Cows demand to be next Ugandan President

Mbarara; As the next Presidential elections in Uganda 2016 come closer, various Cow groups in Uganda have demanded that a cow be nominated as the next president of the Banana Republic, as an animal (literally) have never been given a chance to be a president of a country anywhere around the world. The CRAP (Cow’s Right Advisory Party) leader, Ms. Long Mayembe today held a press conference in Mbarara where she said, “As one of the biggest contributors to Uganda’s Economy and a cultural symbol of Ankole region since ancient ages, we demand to be rightly appreciated of our work and be nominated to the President’s post”.

“We are the ones who seal marriages as bride price and have also raised the current President Yoweri Museveni; it is because of us, Uganda is the largest producer of dairy products. And to add that, we help to keep Uganda clean by eating garbage lying by the side of the road. There is a report which says that Cows along with various animals are more responsible for the clearance of garbage in Kampala city and towns rather than the Kampala City Council Authority (KCCA). This garbage in turn helps you to get milk and also manure from our shit which you use in your gardens” Ms. Mayembe said. Ms. Mayembe, also said that Cows were no less than any humans and can do much more than the incumbent president which they claim to have helped raise, “We have a vision and can surely fill the great void left by Museveni when he leaves the presidency, We can sit idle for days, be obscure, chew on whatever we get, which would be National budget copy and various other official reports in a Corruption case, and additionally we can easily help in cutting on costs used in lawn mowing the huge State House compound by grazing on its grasses, they are supposed to be delicious”.

Ms. Mayembe Long accepted that they couldn’t shit as much as the Members of Parliament put together. “We have certain limitations unlike theirs” she said. She added that every cow in Uganda was in favor of electing Ms. Apio Kau Dang, as the preferred candidate from all the cows, as she comes from Karamoja and was instrumental in stamping put Cattle rustling in Uganda. “I’m very delighted and thankful to all my sisters and brothers, after becoming President, my first and foremost issue would be to meet the bulls of Spain and stop them from fighting with humans” Ms. Kau said forgetting that she was trying to be Uganda’s president. Both Ms. Mayembe and Ms. Dang, have appealed to all the political leaders to support them.

Learning that Cows are demanding the President’s post, various monkey groups came forward to demand for the much ignored and largely unknown vice-president’s post. An MP (Monkey Party) leader, on term of anonymity said to Amawulire, “If a cow can be president, and donkeys various prime and cabinet ministers, we should at least be given a chance as a vice president.

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