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USA attacks Ministry of Health


The spokesman of Uganda Smokers Association (USA) has strongly condemned what they are calling below the belt tactics by the Ministry of Health to taint their image and have called for an emergency meeting to be held at British American Tobbaco (BAT) main factory. The theme of the meeting is “How to help Humans hang on to smoking.” This meeting comes Government banned Public smoking and also after a report was made on how smoking tobacco is a health hazard to human nature and has to be stopped so that Ugandans can improve their life standards.

“Smoking is not such a bad thing, in fact there are many benefits in smoking. That’s why I have called for this meeting with that will include BAT executive, Cabinet ministers, Tobacco and Ganja farmers.” Says Mr. Fege Smoke, the sportsman spokesman of the USA community while talking to news reporter. “ We are going to form an alliance with the every passive smoker and maybe weed smokers too so we can promote smoking especially in offices and show the health gurus that smoking actually has many benefits.”

As the preparations for the meeting hit top gear, The Ministry of Health is puzzled and toiling, looking for research that will taint the image of the USA the more. They did a research on smokers deep down in Dangala, Kamwokya Ghetto and concluded that smoking tobacco causes many forms of cancer to the human body. They came up with images to show the different forms of cancer and one of them was mouth cancer followed by a distorted image of fingers of a smoker. But the USA community argues that that’s not what actually happens when one smokes.

 “They are just photoshoping everything using Adobe Photoshop. Every one nowadays knows that you can manipulate any image to satisfy one’s eye. It’s just the science of knowing what to put where.” A visibly disturbed Fege said as he reached for a lighter to fire up his Weed joint . He says he is touch with the USA lawyers to see if they can sue  the adobe team for such a slanderous software. He however denied claims that smokers are demanding for their own district.

Following the meeting rumours, some members of Parliament have petitioned the speaker to allow them to smoke publicly while in session so as to avoid cases where members walk out to go smoke and end up missing half the sessions. “First of all, we MPs have a lot of problems in their lives. You find that we have no iPads, fuel in our monster cars, no holiday treats to Hawai etc, huh? ..  So to help us at least put his troubles aside, he will need  to smoke some cigarettes or weed and we will feel calm, and sense that are on top of the world.” Hon Dont Fire told

However, Passive smokers have threatened to hold protests if the Ministry of Health lets what they deem as “total madness” go on. “We are fed up of  inahling that disgusting smoke”, Nalumansi, a pregnant woman in Ntinda barked.

USA however say that they have come up with new ways for people to enjoy passive smoking. “We have implemented other methods that will help  passive smokers choose what better suits their need. Some of these methods include flavors that a person can choose from for example, when one wants passive smoke, they can spray the air around them, they can choose from the following flavors, Apple, Mint, Bubble gum, Pan rasna, Strawberry, Star buzz sex on the beach, Fig, Grape to mention but a few. All these flavors help to divert a human’s mind from the bad smell of tobacco and instead employ a new idea that smoking is actually enjoyable and smell serene.

BAT has come up in support of USA. “I want the tobacco smokers to know that the BAT has their bucks backs in all this. It is ready to support them no matter what because they have not only helped us survive the attack on our lives by the countless growing weeds, but also saved us from dwindling sales.” .. Mr. Ganja Mairu, a BAT sales rep said.

At the time of filing this report, the some MPs are holed up in Parliament drawing a petition to challenge the Ministry of Health on advantages and benefits of smoking tobacco.

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