Uganda Police creates Squad to save new year resolutions from being broken

Every year, millions and millions of innocent resolutions die in their infancy. Many unfortunate poor ones don’t even get to see the fireworks past midnight of 31st January. Uganda Police is on alert.

Kampala. With new year resolution craze on, Uganda Police has formed a special unit ‘Save Resolutions Crack Squad’ (SRCS) as a measure to save Ugandans from breaking their own resolutions.

“Every year, millions and millions of innocent resolutions die in their infancy. Many unfortunate poor ones don’t even get to see the fireworks past midnight of 31st January. So, to avoid this unfortunate carnage and resolution massacre we have decided to create SRCS,” said a Police-spokesman, “It’s a new years gift from Uganda Police to our customers fellow citizens who we love and care about so much.”

“We believe that this will also reduce the emotional void between police and people and it will be a good start of new year for the police force too,” He added.

The Save Resolution Crack Squad will be available on emergency number – 404. If people feel like they are on verge of breaking their resolutions and feeling helpless, they can call on the number provided and our tired ever alert squad will be there within minutes.

In case the resolution is “not to eat junk food”, SRCS will be there in 43 minutes, just to make sure we reach 2 minutes before the waiter brings your order.

After reaching the spot and sealing off the area and distructing the smooth flow of traffic jams, the SWAT SRCS unit will take immediate steps to prevent the person concerned from breaking his/her resolution. If it’s about avoiding alcohol or smoking, they will first remove shisha, music, pork, cigarettes and liquor from the vicinity. Repeat offenders will be locked up.

In case the resolution is about “not to riot or demonstrate”, the squad will be there in 7 seconds. First aid of tear gas and rubber bullets will be administered. In worst cases, the squad may arrest you and lock you up in an unknown place.

People who pledged to go for jogging or gym on daily basis but are unable to do because of laziness, can also call on 404. The mighty force will unleash the kiboko squad on them to make sure that they follow their resolution, even at gunpoint, if required.

However, the commander of the Save Resolution Crack Squad, Captain Twarakuli has issued a notice urging people to take resolutions as per their capacity. “People should avoid taking resolution under influence of alcohol peer pressure”. “We have registered millions of cases already and we are expecting a lot of cases. We need more funds.”

Meanwhile, con-men, robbers, pickpockets and burglars who had resolved to stop the habits have surrendered themselves to police and requested to be taken in custody for for the whole year. “I am not sure if police will reach by time, as they are always late on crime scene. So, this a precautionary measure from my side to prevent myself from breaking my resolutions,” disclosed a one Kolobar from Kisenyi.

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