Uganda News Satire, Parody and Spoof News

Ugandan wife-beaters to fight Gaddafi’s female bodyguards


Tripoli, Libya. Libyan rebels seeking to oust the current government have recruited over 300 Ugandan men to fight alongside them in fight against Gaddafi’s army. The rebel leaders belive that Ugandan men would be the perfect solution to Gaddafi’s elite hot female bodyguards, dubbed the Amazonian Guard, after they found out that Ugandan men rank highly in Africa in violence against women as per the latest  Amawulire Gender Violence Survey.

Hope the Ugarines do not get distracted.
Hope the Ugarines do not get distracted.

“These guys have no zibs beating up women,” said a masked rebel commander 10km outside Tripoli, “Gaddafi has recruited Mercenaries from Mali, so we need to beef up our force too; we need to recruit the best, and when it comes to slapping women these UG guys are simply the creme de la creme.”

The Libyan leader Col. Gaddafi is protected by a 50-member all-women all-virgin bodyguard contingent carefully hand-picked by the Colonel himself and trained in martial arts and using firearms.

The first squad of 50 Ugarines arrived in Benghazi last week for training in local domestic & gender violence techniques, breast pinching. Despite excitement, the rebels leaders have had difficulty getting the Ugandan men to carry out their “Operation Biach” mission in public.

“Wama look, all our experience is in low profile combat, hmm? .. planning, sneaking up on the chics when they least expect
it, okitegeera?, undercover stuff,” said Fimbo, 34, a member of the “special forces” out there to help the rebels, “but they
want us to do this in the street … can you imagine?, that’s not not how we do it back in Uganda, the Popis may see us.”

“Yes, I am very happy this is now being seen as a skill,” said Lugah, 38, who has been beating wife Namukasa for a decade, “it takes balls, a certain skill plus attitude to be an effective practitioner of Operation Biach.”

Amawulire asked Namukasa if she was worried about her husband facing a squad of elite martial arts trained and gun-toting bodyguards, “No!”, “He will be okay, besides by the time he is back, i will be done with my martial arts classes
and probably acquired a gun too”

Women’s rights activists in Uganda agree, “We are usually against violence against women,” she explained, “but in this case we think it will be an exception.” The Ugarines have opened up an office in Kisenyi, Kampala to recruit more men from all tribes in Uganda especially from Northern Uganda but men from Fort Portal have scoffed at the idea. “We batooro men will not indulge in such
nonsense .. twara kuli!.”

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